Hi friend,
Here’s 1 idea, 1 practice, and 1 question to create more expansive connections this week.
One idea to consider
Relationships often develop unproductive patterns of conflict. The style varies, but they all feature antagonistic perspectives of blame and criticism, like:
Who is right vs who is wrong?
Who is the victim vs who is the villain?
Who instigated vs who retaliated?
At the heart of these unproductive patterns lies a common theme: each side viewing the other as the problem.
Here’s the reframe: instead of viewing each other as the problem, view the pattern of conflict itself as the problem.
This redefines the problem from a “You” or “Me” problem to a collective “We” problem. It assumes positive intentions and shifts the focus to the unmet needs that lead to the pattern of conflict in the first place.
One practice to try on
Here’s how you can lead yourself and someone you’re in conflict with to a path of resolution and connection:
Recognize the pattern. Identify the recurring steps that lead to conflict in a neutral way that doesn’t blame, judge, or criticize, and that everyone can agree to.
Name the pattern. A name allows you to call it out when you next find yourself in it. It could be as simple as “The Spiral” or fun like “Sauron”.
Focus on “We”. Emphasize that “We” have found ourselves in the pattern again, and express intention to change the pattern this time around.
Understand needs. Direct the conversation to understanding the underlying unmet needs of both sides, with the intention of creating connection and eventually resolution.
One question to ask
“A highly advanced alien species has arrived on Earth, and you are selected as the spokesperson to represent humanity. You have one sentence to communicate your most important message. What do you say?”
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