Hi friend,
Here’s 1 idea, 1 practice, and 1 question to create more expansive connections.
One idea to consider
The concept of "Demon Dialogues" is central to Dr. Sue Johnson's work on relationships, especially as detailed in her book "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love." Demon Dialogues are the negative patterns of interaction that couples (or anyone you’re close to) fall into, which can drive them apart and erode their connection over time. Johnson identifies these patterns as reactive cycles that are driven by deeper emotions and fears.
There are three primary Demon Dialogues are:
Find the Bad Guy: This is a cycle where both partners blame each other for problems in the relationship, leading to a deadlock where no one takes responsibility, and both feel victimized and misunderstood.
The Protest Polka: Here, one partner seeks closeness and reassurance by protesting the behavior of the other, who then responds by withdrawing, leading to further protests and more withdrawal. This cycle reflects a demand-withdraw pattern that escalates the conflict and emotional distance.
Freeze and Flee: This cycle is characterized by both partners withdrawing and shutting down emotionally to protect themselves, leading to a chasm of loneliness and disconnection. There's minimal open confrontation in this dialogue, but a profound sense of alienation and neglect.
Demon Dialogues are symptomatic of underlying emotional disconnection and unmet needs for attachment and reassurance. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing these patterns, understanding the deep fears and needs they stem from, and then breaking the cycle through open, vulnerable communication.
The goal is to foster a secure emotional connection where both partners feel safe and valued, allowing them to turn towards each other in times of need rather than becoming entangled in destructive patterns.
One practice to try on
What is your demon dialogue?
Reflect on your patterns in how conflicts escalate between you and someone you’re close to.
Do you tend to blame each other (Find the Bad Guy)? Is there a cycle of one partner pursuing while the other withdraws (The Protest Polka)? Or do you both retreat into silence (Freeze and Flee)?
One question to ask
“What is the most compassionate and loving thing I can do for someone today?”
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